Common Characteristics among Codependents
1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being loved by you
2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.
4. My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.
5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
6. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
7. My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
8. My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.
9. Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.
10. Your behavior is dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.
11. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
12. I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume.
13. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
14. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
15. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
16. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
17. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
18. I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
19. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
20. The quality of my life is in direct relation to the quality of yours.
Common Traits of a Codependent
1. The codependent is driven by one or more compulsions.
2. The codependent is bound and often tormented by the way things were in the dysfunctional family of origin.
3. The codependent's self-esteem is very low.
4. A codependent is certain his or her happiness hinges on others.
5. Conversely, a codependent feels inordinately responsible for others.
6. The codependent's relationship with a spouse or Significant Other Person (SOP) is marred by a damaging, unstable lack of balance between dependence and independence.
7. The codependent is a master of denial and repression.
8. The codependent worries about things he or she can't change and may well try to change them.
9. A codependent's life is punctuated by extremes.
10. A codependent is constantly looking for the something that is missing or lacking in life.
What is enabling?
Enabling is defined as reacting to a person in such a way to shield him or her from experiencing the full impact of the harmful consequences of behavior. Enabling behavior differs from helping in that it permits or allows the person to be irresponsible.
It includes:
• Protecting from natural consequences of behavior.
• Keeping secrets about behavior from others in order to keep peace.
• Making excuses for the behavior.
• Bailing Out of trouble.
• Blaming others for dependent person’s behavior.
• Giving underserved/unearned money
• Taking care of the chemically dependent or abusive person.
Top Codependency Qualities
I assume responsibility for others feelings and behaviors.
I feel guilty about others feelings and behaviors.
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I have difficulty expressing feelings.
I am afraid of my anger, yet sometimes erupt in a rage.
I worry how others may respond to my feelings, opinions, and behavior.
I have difficulty making decisions.
I am afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am afraid to express differing opinions or feeling.
I value others opinions and feelings more than my own.
I put other people's needs and desires before mine.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise, or gifts.
I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am perfectionist.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable and worthwhile person.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others anger.
I serve but it is joyless.